We took Biology in 9th grade together with Ms. Goldstein–in a crazy class with crazy people like Nick Katz and Christine Jiang and Cornea and Diana Li. I just wanted to pass the class, and I think I took advantage of the fact that you always let me look at your lab, always helped me in general. I remember that time I messed up a Bio test (funny thing is, I don’t remember when it was, or even if I just got back the test or just finished taking it) and started crying (or, I don’t remember. Maybe I just got really sad and sat in the hallway) and called Su. I don’t even remember what he said. I bet it was something obvious like, “it’s just a test.” But it made me feel better. And I remember you told me it made you feel bad that you couldn’t make me feel better like he did. It makes me feel bad that you even said that because I don’t deserve your friendship. Thinking back to ninth grade–I don’t remember much. I remember passing notes and texting Su on Cornea’s phone during Art while you were the only one who really paid any sort of attention. Was that horrible of me? I think I had Mr. Perez for Global, but I honestly don’t remember his class–so I never understood all the hype. I remember English with Mr. Fulco–not so much his teaching (though I remember him telling us to freewrite sometimes. I remember him teaching about Salinger.) as much as our class and the books we read. I liked Catcher in the Rye (although, I also remember doing a creative project with Cornea on it and I don’t think we did too well) and 1984 (all three of us worked on the creative project for that one. “Let’s see how far we’ve come” was the song we tried to interpret =P) and [even though I don’t remember what it was about] Julius Caesar. I remember the persuasive speeches! Yours was on dumps (lol) and mine was on religion? (I don’t even remember. I know it went through a bunch of drafts. I remember I cried once when someone else read it–I don’t remember why the criticism hurt me so much though. I remember when I cried, Diana took it and helped me edit it.) Gah. Was 9th grade when we babysat Jack? I remember bringing him to the park and playing with him in his room. I made promises I never kept–I didn’t make ice cream  with his sister and I didn’t teach him Chinese. I dislike that Jonathan Su erased my memory of ninth grade. I think that year I didn’t sleep much. I did debate, but I failed a lot despite my commitment. Still, I worked pretty hard–especially compared to how much I work now. I was proud of myself too (relatively). Sure, it felt bad to lose, but I still tried harder. I wonder if that had to do with my crush on Alex Bores (which, according to Michael Chan, Alex knew about). I guess debate failures weren’t that harsh because after the MDLs I’d go to church instead of hanging out with debate people. I went to church by myself and Su’s parents (then, later, Rosie) would drive me home because I wanted to go to Flushing instead of my parents’ church. It was cooler and better and I wanted to be independent. It’s weird how time changed me. Without debate, I’m a lazybutt. And even though I’m still at the other church (not NHP), it’s actually not that great anymore. I wonder if it’s my own fault that I’m not learning anything in church. I went to FBC because I learned stuff from fellowship and Greg’s sermons on Sunday (it’s funny how that worked out. It was because I did the Columbia thing with you on Saturdays and was forced to go to your Chinese school on Sunday that I was allowed to go to a different church in the first place) but now church is a joke for me. I only go because I have responsibilities and friends. But it’s not that enlightening anymore =\ But yes. I think I also started fencing in ninth grade because you did track. I was also weight-obsessed. Yet, I think I was happier then. My memories of ninth grade make me realize how full my schedule used to be. What a dumbass I must be to have stopped doing everything.

Part of me is thinking: I’m not going to get into college
And the other part of me is thinking: I’m not going to be happy with my life at the end of it because I’m such a quitter and loser and dumbbutt.

I remember this: