Sisi, you never update 😦

I know that this isn’t as important to you as it is to me, but I wish we could keep in touch.

(Mini-rant about Vivien and then I’ll talk about other stuff: She’s volunteering at blood drives! She’s continuing her labwork. How is she always so happy? Better question: how can I be happy too?)

Last night I sent this to Su:
(which may confirm that he has been and is the obstacle that blocks me from God–other people’s “idols” that they replace God with in their lives are usually themselves (pride), alcohol/drugs, relationships (lust), etc. but mine is Su)

Dear God,

It’s been a long time since I talked with you. I don’t even know what you look like, don’t remember what You sound like. Worst of all, I don’t know what you think of me.

How can I do body worship and go to YUGO like this? How come mommy and lewis believe in me? How am i supposed to believe that You believe in me too?

Every time i need a friend and can’t find anyone, I know there’s always You. I can’t talk to math team people anymore, esp since paul is graduating tomorrow. I should do what i always do and wimp out last minute and not go to his concert.

But then i’d have to go to brothers appreciation night and hide behind the mixer all night wondering how it’s possible i’ve failed to befriend the amazing people in our church. I don’t want to be a downer on a happy night.

Lots of Hunter people don’t care about me. They care about themselves and making sure they’re nice people and don’t offend me. They either want to have fun, or to get into college, or they want me out of their lives.

I’d feel guilty talking to anyone about stuff anymore. The only person i cry to anymore is Lewis, but I need to stop because he isn’t my real dad and he’s gonna have his own baby soon enough.

If grandma dies, i keep thinking about how she raised me as a baby but i don’t remember. I have/had dreams about living in kissena and watching sesame street before a van came to pick me up, but i dont know if that really happen. I know i should love grandma more, but i dont even know what love is. Honestly, i dont know if i love mommy and daddy and chris. I dont even know if i love myself. I dont even know if i love You. I just kinda hope that You love me. I’m too scared and selfish to go to the hospital to see her.

I don’t want to live in my head. If i’m going to be spoiled, i may as well be superficially happy. If i’m going to obsess about college, i may as well work harder. Lord, if i’m going to only be a pretend christian, i might as well just stop talking to You.

I know you know me, Lord. Everyone reads me like a book.

But You’re the only person who may be honest enough to tell me whats going on. I’m not sure if these panic attacks that make me want to cry are due to identity crises or anxiety of senior year or not knowing what to do or not being able to let go…but i’ve been told that You talk to us. And whether its all of that or something else completely different, can You give me the power to stop running away from You?

Can You talk with me so i have someone to talk to?

Lord. I don’t know so many things. I want to know how the books of the bible were written because i want to know why they were written. I want to believe that the accounts are real without reasonable doubt so i can truly believe in Your miracles. It all comes down to why You even bothered with me, Lord, when I can’t love anyone anymore and no one loves me.

I thank You, Lord. For that 96, for my middle class family, for things being better than the worse they can be. But if Your son died for me, Lord, and i still can’t cherish my life as a present from You…what’s keeping me from runnung away?

If i let go of my pride and stop comparing, i fear i’ll feel like a zero (instead of the “less than everyone” i feel right now-which is the same thing). I dont know how i’ll ever approach her.
If i try to pray to You and read Your word, i’m afraid it’ll be fake probably would be. Ever since going to daniel, i wonder how real i’ve been. At nhp i was naive, which may be as empty, but at least i didnt feel it.

Its different because i think of You all the time Lord. I dont know much about You anymore, but I still remember You.

I’m only so young. How am i supposed to wait til I go home until i can talk woth You freal?

I’m not okay, God.
I wish i could run away and not have people hate me, not feel guilty.
Get a job like carmen or something so i could be on and off about church
Cuz every friday and sunday i need to choose whether or not to go…its not a given anymore. And every week i wonder why I couldnt find You even though I was right there in Your presence.

God, i pray for my tomorrows. That You’ll be there to catch me wherever i may fall.

Thanks for getting me through today. I hope You’re not annoyed with me like everyone is–or not caring about me like everyone else is. I hope i didnt fail too bad in Your eyes; i dont like regrets.

I’m sorry i’m not obeying Your command to be joyful always. I’m sorry I don’t love You more.

If i can do anything for You without needing to think about it, i’d do it. But You want us to examine ourselves. If i could take care of grandma by doing errands instead of seeing her at the hospital, i’d do it. If i could be a better daughter, not just by getting good grades and not drinking/smoking, i wish i could do that so much. Likewise, i wish i could be a better friend, a truer friend.

But i can’t even talk with You properly anymore. I feel like such a fail human


I can’t even tell if I was praying to God or trying to convey my emotions to Su.

Reply: You know, you’re a confusing person. I can’t really go on without first asking, what is it really that you want from me this time? You of all people should have expected that question. This time, don’t tell me i dont know, or try to confuse me more, but if you want me to talk to you, then tell me what it is that you’re actually looking for cause my reading comprehension skills after school year ends stays at 0.

SATs: yea, i’m a fail too. idk if i’m gonna retake stuff. i certainly don’t want to. poooooo.