but you already left me anyway.

i’m even jealous of that–that you know how to be a normal teenager who flirts with all the guys and has fun with everyone you meet and hits it off with someone so awesome and still manages to be the nicest person and best writer and generally most amazing person i know in hunter.

longgggg email

Reply to all

Christine Yuan

to Sisi

show details 9:28 PM (22 minutes ago)
i haven’t written these to you in awhile.

i was planning on doing my qqtp but i feel like such shit i don’t think i’m gonna get any work done.
do you know i did the best out of all my psych multiple choice on that last test? only 2 wrong. but i messed up the free response (i chose the neurotransmitter question. idk why) so that sucks. i don’t have an A or an A+ in psych, did you know that? i don’t listen in class. i’m a douche actually.
i didn’t even try on that econ paper.
i haven’t written my chinese essay that was due 3 weeks ago and i’m not going to do it at this point.
i had a meeting with dr. bleecker today. my mom is saying that she’s not paying for my college tuition if i don’t apply to the schools she wants me to apply to. turns out the same thing happened to dr. bleecker. i guess i like talking to dr. bleecker because she’s understanding and gives direct advice. i didn’t cry, thank God, but i felt like crying when i told her in  the vaguest possible terms why my thanksgiving sucked and her advice was that i should face the problem directly.
i have no idea how to do that.
the same reason it’s awkward for you to tell me about him, it’d be awkward for me to ask you two to talk to me about this.
i know it’d never happen so i’m just gonna assume that i’m gonna continue avoiding the issue and trying to run away
i have no idea why all the adults are telling me you guys have been dishonest to me and i haven’t been selfish. but all of my peers are telling me i’m selfish and i need to stop caring so much. as a teenager i guess other teenagers just know how i’m feeling better and know that i’m the one being unreasonable not you two.
my gut tells me that i’m always in the wrong. there must be something inherently attractive about your persona and personality and something inherently wrong with me. i’m not being self-deprecating in an emo way. i’m honestly trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.
i know i’m irresponsible. my cousin yelled at me because she had to throw out a lot of her camping clothes cuz i didn’t wash them right. i feel so freaking horrible right now. all she’s ever done is be good to me: she buys birthday and christmas presents for us, let me borrow all her camping stuff, etc. and i didn’t even take the time out to wash her clothes properly. i’m not close with her, and so her being mad at me is this totally foreign feeling.
it hurts more than youxmichael.
so i’m irresponsible, but there’s more. i don’t know how to talk with people anymore.
i stayed after lab with herzog and cornea today and felt like a third wheel.
i think i was supposed to really enjoy my time with cornea. and i guess i did enjoy just walking and talking and not having to think.
but in the end of the day, i want to spill my guts with people
and there is NO ONE to talk to besides God.
this is why i like typing and texting instead of calling i guess. i get privacy from my parents, i like not being interrupted so i don’t become too self-aware and start censoring myself, and i get to pretend i’m talking to someone even though i feel like i’m just talking to myself. when i send these emails–to you, to su, to whoever–i always have to detach myself for that split second when i press “send” because if i knew what i was doing, i wouldn’t ever actually send it.
being an open book is retarded. i don’t know how open i need to be until others feel comfortable opening up to me in return.
on sunday he asked what “being transparent” means. holy shoot. it hurt so much when he asked.
i don’t know if lewis realized that he was asking about lewis’ advice to me–but knowing lewis, i’m sure he knew
i’m sure lewis knew that his answer was being heard by more than one ear in the car
your man asked why anyone would want to be transparent if people will see through them
but lewis explained that being transparent means letting people see into you
-i got annoyed at you on the phone during Splash when you said you felt guilty. i’ve said it before but i want to say it for the 3rd of 4th time because i want to convince myself that i believe what i say: regardless of whatever promise you made that our friendship would come before any guy, i KNOW that you won’t stop talking with him. i can’t blame you. i really want someone there for me too.
-and since it’s now a fact that you two are so involved in each other’s lives, it’s time for me to get out. i don’t know how you guys hit it off in such little time, but if it’s fate or whatever, it’s fate. the fact that it all happened so quickly, though, left me no time to adjust or react. people keep asking me why it’s such a big deal to me–but they don’t know how unaccustomed to change i am.
-if you’re gonna ask why, i don’t really know. i guess, i’m jealous. i was looking through my journals and there are so many references to being jealous of you before this entire incident that this is just fuel to feed the fire. i’m jealous of michelle and suzanne. i’m jealous of charles and sherlock and him. but only because you’re so part of their lives i guess.
-the worst part, probably is how much i’ve come to pity myself. i have zero idea what to do with myself. i’m super sorry so many people know about you two. i know it’s not my story to tell. i just really needed advice.
i really don’t feel like sending this.