The truth is simply that we’ve grown apart.

I’ve grown apart from God simultaneously.

God’s speaking through many people to call me back, but I’m so stubborn I wonder if it’ll take physical/emotional trauma for me to snap back to my senses.

The black cloud that shrouds me right now? There’s a layer of envy, of you specifically. I actually don’t react too much when I notice that others are more in tune spiritually than I am, but when you tell me about how you prayed with Suzanne and about all the Christian things you do on campus, I get envious. I’ve always been envious of you, though, and you know that. So I’d really really encourage you to keep doing it and maybe even to do it even more. Inundate me with updates about your life and about your faith so I know who this new you is. All your stories are really testimonies, even if you may belittle them a little.

I understand, after reading my Xanga today, that you may not really know who the new me is. I know I tell you about Andre and Barnard and IV, but I also know it’s hard for you to piece together the puzzle. But please try? And please force your life back into my consciousness. Otherwise, I will forget you. I will lose you. And I don’t want that to happen.

I just still don’t know what to do or think when Michael is mean to me. I talked to Homy a little about this, and it shocked her to think that Mike could ever be mean. So she, in addition to you, is someone I can’t talk about my broken friendship with Mike. Which is fine, I guess, since I have a psychologist now >_>

I don’t know what to do when I see from the side of my eye that you two send long emails to each other. I want to know the content of your lovey dovey ness even if it may make me flinch. I don’t actually need long emails from you–not if they’re going to be so caring but still not deep or personal enough for me to, again, get to know you.

Honestly, I don’t know what I want from you.

i don’t want to do this, but maybe it’s honesty:
if i may compare you to andre, who happens to be one of my closer friends now against better judgment, the reason i pushed him away was partly because i liked him romantically but was also largely just because he didn’t know what i wanted (and i hate that question, as any guy who’s gotten close to me should know, i hope) and i didn’t know what he felt or wanted. we are able to still be friends because he told me his side finally in a way that satisfied me.

actually, what he said probably wasn’t complete. he may be gay and not know it yet. but that’s a different story.

so here we go: i’m gonna try something potentially dumb. but.

I’M GOING TO PUSH YOU AWAY. I LOVED YOU, AND I THINK I LOVE YOU, BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY MIXED FEELINGS TOWARDS YOU.

If you would please talk about my word vomit, I hope and pray that our friendship can be stronger from it.

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