I’ve been told that implicit in Jesus’ teachings calling for unconditional integrity and truthfulness is a clause about making promises to God.

I’m not saying that I’ve never made a vow negotiating with God; it’s just that no explicit ones come to mind.

Much of this has to do with the fact that I no longer write down everything that comes to mind and consolidate it in one written journal. I have two almost-finished marble notebook journals, one basically-finished smaller notebook journal, at least four blogs I can write blog posts on, and many other canvases to paint the pictures in my head. Still, I’ve recognized that I don’t write in full sentences anymore unless I’m writing to someone, or at least am able to convince my brain that I’m doing so. I don’t publish public posts on tumblr because I can’t envision each/which person/people read it. I guess I’m just lucky I’ve been willing to write here recently.

How I’ve changed:

  • Things that don’t matter tobother emotionally affect me as much anymore:  grades/tests, my weight, Jonathan Su

Who I’d like to be:

  • First and foremost I just need to really internalize this concept of <my identity in Christ>. I want to be so grounded in it that the time it takes for me to realize I don’t need to think extensively about a certain decision I need to make or a circumstance I face will diminish so God’s will just automatically and directly flows through me and is expressed in my actions. Which is not to say that my thoughts and emotions and beliefs and instincts don’t need to be evaluated. Not in the least. After all, there are many places in the Bible that tell us it is wise not to be hasty–one example is the beginning of Eccl. 5. In fact, those verses help me try to explain what I want to convey: I don’t want to evaluate myself anymore because I know I’m a horribly biased and unjust judge. May the Holy Spirit that resides in me discern for me. But may my ears be open, open, open to hear–and now that I often do hear, may my heart be open, open, open to receive and to store. May God grant me the additional gift of being about to record anything I hear that is trustworthy and true and from Him.
  • I want to store God’s Word (JESUS) in my heart. Not through rote memorization or forced bible study, but if I could be 100% focused when I take in His word, why would it not be safely stored in the associative networks of my mind? If I strive to understand and get whatever is put into my line of vision, what’s to say I won’t be led closer and closer to Him and continue to understand more and more? I do, somehow, have that trust that not only can I keep growing tremendously (of course, I know that), I will.
  • To the extent that I understand live out the seeds that God has planted in my life, what’s to say that I won’t naturally expound upon my passions? My prayer, then, is not to have roots that stifle growth. I’m not advocating rigidity in the place of adaptability (AND MAY I REMEMBER THAT next time I take some extremist stance or make extreme generalizations, which is often. think back to the elite education article and eiland petition andre chastised me about),  but I do want to be more strict about enforcing better sleeping patterns and healthier eating habits and engaging in daily physical activity. When the opportunity to engage in such good stuff arises right in front of my face, I want to embrace it with the readiness with which I agree to hang out with joolew/alan/justis/mike.
  • Ahh. relationships. Just want to love broader and deeper. Don’t want to hurt anyone by encroaching on their privacy or freewill–don’t want to judge based on anything fake. Want to relish solitude without being lonely. Hope to be a good friend and have healthy friendships with you, Mike, Jess, Vivien, Cornea, Lewis, Mary, Karen, Andre–to name a couple from a stream of names of supporters and friends I’m blessed with
  • I’m just going to go ahead and admit that I really like a certain kind of intellectually smart people and find pleasure in certain puzzles and codes and games and facts. There’s no point denying it.
  • Pray that I can love beyond that group. There are organs in the body, but the blood doesn’t distinguish them (COPYRIGHT) to illiterate people and people from other countries
  • Those lists about traveling to specific countries and writing books and hitting certain benchmarks by certain milestone life periods? Pray I never stop dreaming big and marveling at Your creation even as I pursue Your wisdom! Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life!
    • I have this desire to write more coherent blog posts or tangible journal entries, or, (but this is a big dream) letters to untie my heart from its current attachment to texting. There’s a reason intellectuals corresponded with letters =x Can I partake in that too?

Oyy. What a seemingly vague list!

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