since my previous post got wiped out, write a new one?

“This isn’t the first time. My dad can always make me feel like crying. All he has to do is use this certain tone of voice and whatever he says hurts so much. “

my dad can make me cry really easily too. he has this face that he makes that’s part disgust, part condescension. and it drives me INSANE when he makes it. there’s so much evil on that face >< it sometimes really makes me think some demon is making it. i think it only started to bother me after i came back from college. something about that face disturbs me a lot a lot a lot.

i don’t know why but reading the rant section made me realize you have human problems like me. and by human, i guess i mean family.

lately, despite all the transparency, it still feels like i dont really know the vulnerable side of you. your responses and reactions to things are too put together to make me truly comfortable with telling you what’s bothering me /: 

anyways, brief recap of what i had written before it was deleted?

so in short (because i need to prepare my lesson plans for the week lol), i had been worried a bit yesterday about who would actually be at my future wedding since I havent really reached out much and i remember what we’ve said about me and everyone at hope center. [mike said he’ll prob have about 5 people at his wedding but that he’s fine with it…oy vey]

but today, I realized that things aren’t as bad as i think they are and i got to have some interesting interactions with a lotta people today lol

– Melina: we exchanged contact information! and she called me by accident later lol…

– Tyler: my ear had very intimate contact with jess’s stomach

– Wing: he was disturbed by my hand rubbing with Anna 

– Justis: was so confused when i suddenly said that he had nice teeth, which cracked up Wing lol

– Victor: told him that i wanna meet Emmy and i think we decided on a possible double date in the future? for now, he’s busy learning how to dance for his wedding haha

so why did i list them all? i think to remind myself to be grateful (: even though im making slow progress, it is still progress.


random insertion of thought,

so a lady from a chinese church in the neighborhood visited me a few times this summer to evangelize. when i told her that i was christian too and that i was thinking of trying to get my parents to go to church too, she was very excited and gave me her phone number. when my mom saw her a few times (some of which i wasn’t home for), she got really mad and basically shouted at me to get rid of her one day when she came to show me an article from the Watchtower. my mom said that she didnt care what religion i was, but if i brought that woman into our house or tried to evangelize to her too, she would flip. 

What bothered me was through it all, i was never comfortable with the woman. even when she visited me when my mom wasnt home, i never invited her in. needless to say, when she came when my parents were home, i never said much to her and always told her that i was busy. afterwards, i would be grilled by my parents, who’d accuse me of intentionally bringing random christians to our house even though i’d had prob one encounter with the woman beforehand and she’d just been going around the neighborhood looking evangelizing when she came to my door.

today she called me and told me she had another article for me, but i turned her down.

ive always been praying that one day, my parents would believe in Christ too. so why am i turning this woman away? I feel like a coward because I fear my parents’ wrath. i realize i dont have faith that God will open their hearts and that no matter what they say, i’ll be okay.

I need to live out the Word. I need to be brave. But I’m weaksauce.