• After the hottest summer, it’s certainly a chilly autumn. I cannot get myself to come out from under the covers in the morning because it’s so cold. I know it’s really cold because the toilet seat is always cold now. Also, I’m sniffling incessantly
  • Family: My dad’s fine. He had an oral extraction done today (not his first and not his last), and it wasn’t covered by his insurance and I think it was ~$1000, but he’s not complaining. What a trooper. He’s the best, not only for what he does (wake up before anyone else to check the weather and wake the rest of us up; never fail to pick any of the rest of us up from the Stop+Shop near the bus stop), what he says (the guidance and example he gives to the NHP kiddos; by reading his Bible and Bible books with devotion all the time but especially early in the morning and with the dream/goal in mind of going to be a missionary in China, short-term asap but long-term as soon as he can retire safely knowing Chris and I will be fine with our futures; the career/life he gives me when I want to give up–and my mom, and Chris, now that I think about it), but obviously for who he is. I think Lewis kinda thinks my regard for my family and especially my dad is really heavy/weighty–and he probably notices it more clearly than I do because he can hear the words that come out of my mouth.
    My mommy’s tired, but enthusiastic enough to always tell me encouraging things with a smile and promise to study with me if I need her and does Chris’ physics problems for fun but also just to stay in the living room with us to keep us company as we do HW. She’s running for Stuy 9th grade parent rep, which is interesting because she hasn’t been super involved in the PTA (beyond donating) since I was in elementary school and she participated in the Chinese PTA. My mommy loves me and Chris so much. And I actually can’t say with much confidence that anyone loves me equally as they love someone else comparable to me (which is all sorts of horrible for me) , but I actually believe that my Mommy loves us equally and that makes me heart gush and swell.
    Chris is surviving Stuy. The kid’s commute…sigh. It’s all sorts of complicated because he has to coordinate with my dad afterschool. He has friends; more friends than I do, really, and goes to Seekers and some other extracurrics. But, man, the amount of back and forth and going from place to place is such a waste of time (in econ terms, high transaction cost? maybe actually opportunity cost if i think about it some more). on saturdays he has chinese and computer and something else back to back. This man is obedient, considerate, also funny. Thank God for him.
  • Other people: I just haven’t been talking normally. I think it’s normal to be able to laugh when someone tells a joke, respond when someone expects a response, and just generally be a social human being and engage in social interactions when they arise. I haven’t been able to express myself because “I don’t know how” but as I bury things deeper they really get covered and unrecognizable and I end up not knowing what’s wrong anymore. But anyway I have weird trust issues. Didn’t talk to Lewis even when he reached his hands back and clapped them together again and again to reach out to encapsulate some part of me. I’m stupid. I didn’t make any eye contact and couldn’t coherently answer Jeff’s question about “who helped me become Christian” even though he was listening and even expressedly wanted to hear my answer. I said some horribly garbled thing about once upon a time Jesus made my heart hurt. and then, when i tried again and was closer to target, once upon a time my parents met each other. what i really wanted to say was once upon a time someone told me “Jesus loves you” and I believed them. and once again. and once again. but as of 10/9/12, i can still count on my fingers the number of times I believe it when I hear it. I invited Jeff and Michelle to watch the Rumble with me and then cancelled on them and just offered them my email and pw so I could go home early with Lewis out of habit. I did nothing at home and felt horrible.
  • I talk to Karen, my bible study buddy, and I love her a lot. I love the time we spend together and I love that we read four verses and talk solely about just the Gospel for 2-3 hour blocks at a time. She’s a great friend. Even though I only meet with her once a week, I trust her so much that I don’t feel that neediness that I yearn from so many other people to be there for me at other times. It’s because I know and I trust that on Thursday afternoons, that time is for us and she feels the same way. She’s never distracted and she always listens. She’s not perfect or the smartest or the kindest or the funniest or anything, but she’s smart and kind and funny and so she’s perfect to me. So’s Homy. I’m sad she’s leaving. I’m also just kinda like blaaaah, why do these people have to be older than me?, which is such a silly question. But maybe it has to do with those trust issues. I trust them.
  • Yet I didn’t choose to go to body worship practice on saturday? so then i have no right to get jealous later. and i’m not–victoria and jane and the jesses and annie and vanessa texted and called me and taught me everything on sunday. and ginny bought me bao on sunday ^^ but gee. if i think i want to hang out with them, then when the opportunity arises, i have to do it, duh. this decision dissonance is something i’ve thought about and talked about before in regards to growing up. but i haven’t exercised it AT ALL. it’s so gross. because in my head and heart i want to be closer friends to them so badly. but my will is missing. i don’t think this is a textbook case of the needy friend from the four loves, btw, because i don’t believe i want friends for the sake of having friends. but it’s only one step removed which makes it pretty much as bad–i want to be friends with them because i perceive them as such great friends/friendly people/nice people to me. so, yea, i want to be friends with them for who they are, but maybe still for selfish reasons
  • selfishness: i can tie everything i do to selfishness now beyond generalizations. not just the email I sent Jeff and how i behaved at fellowship and how i walked home after fellowship and basically fibbed to julie to do so and how i keep crying for help (and literally tearing, too) and [just everything i do], but also my specific thoughts and my limited specific plans. feeling more wicked than i ever dared believed, but only as loved as i ever dared hoped for.
  • lots of things relate back to the Bible and Jesus for me these days. school, classes, lessons. every sermon i listen to when i run makes total sense and i can even apply and extend some things. i just can’t accept and believe them readily.
  • i’m so scared of Jesus. letting him love me is like letting a super buff good looking guy love me. or something like that. analogy in the works until I meet Him face to face. but since there’s always that circular reasoning of “He’ll deny me unless i really love Him,” this claim is easier to make in my heart and harder to make on paper without sounding flimsily feminine.
  • money woes: real estate tax hike, metrocard fare hike, time warner added fee, i take the express bus to sleep in later and avoid the morning 7 train which reminds me of last semester, i’m considering a new laptop that i can actually bring to school to do work and dorming and/or studying abroad. this all equates to more money going out while very little money comes in. i needed to stop fbc chinese school even though the teacher and the kiddos and the principal liked me a lot and they really grounded me every saturday morning–as you know, little kids can do that for you. spent money on a wedding gift for homy. and i’m committed to most of the costs of the care packages.
  • This weekend: we’re making the care packages, but michelle yeow decided she doesn’t want to help pack them anymore so that’s disheartening but completely understandable (and anyway, she’s been totally supportive and provided great guidance). but it means we have no car to go buy the stuff. so need to lift that and its costs up. also i wont even be at hope center friday cuz im helping with homy’s decorations. so i need to figure out how to get stuff where they need to be. wedding on saturday. im also doing ppt but that’s neither a blessing nor a curse but just a matter of fact that affects, but only indirectly, my happiness, which may be more dependent on my courage to be “myself”. body worship right after. then care packages.
  • midterms soon. 5 in 2 days. “no time to study”
  • stine is full of excuses.
  • dropped the Mad Love course (i liked the plato readings a lot but i really really didnt like the lectures because all the professor did was summarize, and his quirks started to bug me when i kept attending >< i have quotes and observations in my notes ><“) i’m going to try to take a bible literature course again next semester–again, because im hoping it’s like the ind study i did with dr mozes
  • thank God for metamucil.
  • so i guess the winding down whines would be: how is it that my family can’t afford the monetary cost and time to have enough/real food and why doesn’t our house have sufficient heat.
  • my brother needs pants to sleep in so he doesnt have to sleep in jeans.
  • i need more than $10.63 in my bank account so i can actually withdraw funds.
  • but ending on a happy note, cornea, mary, serena are all women who have recently saved me.
  • PTL for salvation, even lesser salvation.
  • being in a position to be saved is the more optimistic position than being in a position where you have to choose whether to die. #referring to that korean girl
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