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Today’s my first final–it’s a psychology final on stress and disorders.

I finished my essays yesterday at midnight–it took me until 4:00AM Sunday to finish the Mitt Romney personality one, the thirty minutes between 8:30AM-9:00AM while praise team was practicing to write the second essay on neural plasticity, and then the hangout/study session with Mike at Lew’s to write most of the third one about being an Afghan who might conform to participate in Al-Qaeda. My inefficiency should fascinate me.

So today I rushed to school early with Mommy and Daddy, getting here at Barnard by 7:30 AM. I’d been studying (read:cramming), thinking my Psych final was at 9:00 AM like my other two finals. I get to my classroom 2 minutes before 9…to have a Spanish professor start hablando espanol. It was first very nerveracking to think that I may be in the wrong room and late for my final. Afterwards, it was just exasperating to realize my mistake: the final’s at 1. Victor reasonably noted that I now have more time to study…but of course I’ve instead wasted this extra hour. I’m going to a philosophy review session soon, though!

Oh, finals are funny things. I feel pretty unstressed about them overall, but the details (time, room, specific questions, regrets about not studying one page or one section) can still induce levels of stress that may accumulate. Praying that I don’t succumb to that kind of thinking and instead stay grounded in my confidence [in Christ? =x]

I think I’m developing my ability to practice positive reappraisal. My psych textbook says that it’s more effective than distancing, denial, and escape-avoidance tactics–which are more useful for short-term problems. As long as I focus on my overall long-term personal growth, I shouldn’t have have too many regrets. I think that the same reason I’m okay (more than okay; happy) about my decision to come to Barnard instead of Dartmouth applies to why I’m okay during report card and finals seasons. It’s how I deal with the process/little-things that bug me more than the end evaluations.

I don’t know why I’m blogging here so often.

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Chinese lawyer story.

sigh. i’m gonna miss you sisi =\

We both love this song–and even though it’s depressing, it’s apt because this really is kinda like our last everything.

SCHEDULES:

Sisi                                                                           Christine
1- Spanish V w. Sr. Ling                                                    1-Physics w. Mr. Greenspan
2- BC Calc w. Mr. Weinstein                              2-BC Calc w. Mr. Weinstein
3- Psych w. Mr. Boyle                                                            3-Econ w. Ms. Curtis
4-Concert Choir  w. Ms. Quigley                                              4-Concert Choir w. Ms. Quigley
5-Lunch                                                             5-Lunch
6-ALC 6-Psych w. Mr. Boyle
7/8- Physics w. Mr. Frankel

Gym:   weight training like WTFreak….       Gym: Camping/Canoeing

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concert choir with ms quigley

paul handorff

Today felt like the last day of school.

I can’t handle the seniors leaving–I hate that I don’t have the chance to get to know them better.
Today I wanted to take a picture with Paul but couldn’t muster the courage to ask him. Kept stalling in the math room, drawing those taboo cards (which I kinda now regret because they might be inaccurate/mean). Then followed him to physics room…Sisi/Kaiying had to ask him to come out but then I hid in Greenspan’s physics room. BLEH
SIGHHHH. I tend to do this. When I really care about someone I’m actually meaner to them.

Sisi bought her dress at Soho (Necessary Clothing)–the one in the picture but white on top with white, pink, green ruffles. YOU SHOULD UPLOAD A PICTURE.

I want to do all those things you said in the last post, but they need to happen naturally. Definitely stuff we should do in college though.

I’m watching this 90s movie called Everyone’s Doing It about high school kids and abstinence. It’s funny that the actors look older than the characters they’re supposed to portray. And it’s just really funny in general how awkward the school’s trying to get the kids to sign pledge cards and stuff while all the kids are super horny and make out all the time.

Sisi, have you ever kissed anyone? I’m a lip virgin.
I’m also a hug virgin–I can’t think of the last hug I had with a guy that was memorable.

[Please add your thoughts to this, Sisi.]

Most people also don’t know this: before seventh grade, my mom and I went to the Hunter Spring Concert. I remember seeing little-Filip and little-Abby and Donald (who wasn’t little, even back then). We went because my mom wanted me to try out for the viola part in orchestra. Obviously, I didn’t make it. But by luck/coincidence, we talked to Ms. Beaudry and I got into Junior Chorus. It’s been part of my schedule since then.

I’m surprised Junior Chorus people (like Kyra Button, Thea–our Big Sib–‘s sister…it’s a small world) remember I was secretary. I remember: My name’s Christine, I’m not that mean, I like the color green, so vote for me, and I’ll give you candy. That was ninth grade too. I remember because I went to debate right after that horrid speech.

ANYHOO. Tonight was the concert. First concert after Mr. Crouch left. Last concert with Ms. Quigley (she’s getting married).

Never forget: Benji, Sho, Maia (blueberry muffin! even if she didn’t like that I remembered), Stop (Spice Girls), Unwritten (and the look of Benji’s face while singing it, and Sho’s voice), Lonesome Road, Yule Log, Bridge Over Troubled Waters, Lord Bless.

Only regret: not having the time to know people longer (going home with Daniel, I was jealous how many people he knows)

<<end of Christine>>

I supposed this is where I need to add to Christine’s part.

I think I’m officially in love with Sho’s voice 😉 It’s so calm and steady, and dude, he can effortlessly REACH the goddamn notes.

I loved watching Ms. Quigley’s face when she was conducting. Like everytime she smiled, I would want to smile too (I know, it’s bad for diction, but still…).

I wish the audience was more receptive, or maybe they were just so AWED by our singing that they didn’t know that they were supposed to clap. But there were these couple of people that sat there staring with an unimpressed/bored expression…let’s not dwell on them lol

I’m going to miss the seniors, ’cause without them, chorus is definitely not going to be as fun. The guys are gonna be screwed xD and so will the altos without maia and the sopranos without lindsey. We’ll get there eventually but for now, there are so many uncertainties about the future of choir. 😦

I wish that when the seniors were giving their speeches, I could actually say that I made a difference in their lives. But really, I didn’t ’cause none of us were really close, or talked to each other for that matter. Except Maia. I heart Maia. I’m going to miss that goddamn girl.

Walking home in the dark was nice. I was alone at 11:45pm and it felt nice. I wish I could walk on forever (if only my feet weren’t tired from the heels, there wasn’t a threat of rapists/muggers, I had someone there with me (YES CHRISTINE, THIS MEANS YOU, and my mom wasn’t already freaking out that I wasn’t home yet).

I hope that one night, we can both walk to the beach in the dark and play with the water. Start a bonfire or something. Actually, get a lot of people and sing to guitars under the moon and stars. No, I’m not a hippie.

Or maybe visit Times Square when all the lights come on. Or get on a Ferris Wheel and see all of Brooklyn at night. Or take the train and talk from one end of the train stops to the other. Or stay up until 3 in the morning at someone’s place youtubing or making videos or watching movies and eating popcorn or playing Truth or Dare or some girly-ass game that teen books always talk about. Or go clubbing and dancing until our feet hurt.

College–how I long for you <3.

(I know, my rant has diverged from the title of this post ;P)

It’s 9:20–I just got off the phone from a 20 min. conversation with Sisi. I’m really glad that she has a phone now<3

My story: Apparently while I was miraculously running to the library to get my book in time, Mommy found a World Journal article about this girl who got into MIT and won the local Brain Bee: http://www.jerichoschools.org/hs/teachers/smccalla/2010_brain_bee.pdf

It gave her the idea to tell me to join it. At first I thought it was like the quiz bowl, and I was skeptic but somewhat excited? Then she kept bugging me to search it, and I told her I have no time and she should just search it to tell me when it is, what it is, etc. It annoyed me that she wouldn’t do the research and plan stuff so I could just prepare and participate. I mean, American parents–those dedicated parents who sign their kids up for stuff– 1)know what their kids would be good at or into and 2) would sign up for it, drive them to and fro, and take care of all those details. My mom is trying to care about my college app, but thinks she’s doing me such an extra favor when she doesn’t really do much at all (everything she does ends up being a waste of time). It’s not my fault she’s inefficient >.<

Anyway, when I saw that it was 1) a neuroscience thing and 2) during the second week of August–I said no because 1)I’m not into bio, let alone neuroscience and 2) it’s during YUGO.

One thing led to another and we just kept bickering. As always, no one heard the other side. I heard that she kept saying it’s for high schoolers, and you don’t need to be into neuroscience…but she absolutely was not listening to my explanations that it’s NOT REALISTIC. Any guidance counselor would tell her it’s not wise to just randomly do something senior year for the resume building. Especially not something I would fail at, since how you do in contests does matter. She said YUGO is not as important as this IBB thing, but I’ve been doing it for years and it’s actually something I’m committed to and related to something I’m interested in. HAS SHE NOT HEARD ABOUT “SHOWING YOUR PASSION”? On all fronts–for the college app, for my well-being–she was losing but just couldn’t see.

I hate that Daddy took her side even though he knows she was being just as argumentative and unlistening as me, if not more. He told me to be a “proper teenager” and I told him I didn’t know what that meant. Even googled it. Still, what did he mean? “Proper” in what context? Does he want me to get a tattoo and drink and do drugs like Cara but get into Princeton? Or be the goody-two-shoes and not care about this contest stuff? UGH

Then, I found that article–when I was searching for when the local bee is, just to entertain the idea of maybe doing the IBB. But it was over in March. Not only does the article confirm that, it confirms that I could not be that girl.

UGH.

What made me cry is that Daddy had to go and tell me not to fundraise for YUGO. So why the freak would I go to NHP tomorrow when I could go to Hope Center and film the skit and be happier? How the freak can I make church thingees a bigger project to show colleges that I do care and I can do stuff. I hate when people dash my dreams last minute. It’s as bad as Transperfect and other companies lying to me about no internship spots. It’s as bad as Mr. Wang not telling me I was fired.

If there’s a lesson to be learned here, if I wasn’t actually right about everything I said, WHY CAN’T THEY FREAKIN’ TEACH ME THE LESSON?

So I started crying, went to Chris’ room–and he just stared at me. My own brother can’t even hug his crying sister. I must be pathetic.

I guess I just thank God I have a sister in Sisi. She called at a perfect time.

And apparently she has her own parent/college woes too.
Her SAT scores, her potential major and college list…
It doesn’t help that her mom is bipolar and doesn’t support her wanting to be a teacher.

UGHHHHH

We took Biology in 9th grade together with Ms. Goldstein–in a crazy class with crazy people like Nick Katz and Christine Jiang and Cornea and Diana Li. I just wanted to pass the class, and I think I took advantage of the fact that you always let me look at your lab, always helped me in general. I remember that time I messed up a Bio test (funny thing is, I don’t remember when it was, or even if I just got back the test or just finished taking it) and started crying (or, I don’t remember. Maybe I just got really sad and sat in the hallway) and called Su. I don’t even remember what he said. I bet it was something obvious like, “it’s just a test.” But it made me feel better. And I remember you told me it made you feel bad that you couldn’t make me feel better like he did. It makes me feel bad that you even said that because I don’t deserve your friendship. Thinking back to ninth grade–I don’t remember much. I remember passing notes and texting Su on Cornea’s phone during Art while you were the only one who really paid any sort of attention. Was that horrible of me? I think I had Mr. Perez for Global, but I honestly don’t remember his class–so I never understood all the hype. I remember English with Mr. Fulco–not so much his teaching (though I remember him telling us to freewrite sometimes. I remember him teaching about Salinger.) as much as our class and the books we read. I liked Catcher in the Rye (although, I also remember doing a creative project with Cornea on it and I don’t think we did too well) and 1984 (all three of us worked on the creative project for that one. “Let’s see how far we’ve come” was the song we tried to interpret =P) and [even though I don’t remember what it was about] Julius Caesar. I remember the persuasive speeches! Yours was on dumps (lol) and mine was on religion? (I don’t even remember. I know it went through a bunch of drafts. I remember I cried once when someone else read it–I don’t remember why the criticism hurt me so much though. I remember when I cried, Diana took it and helped me edit it.) Gah. Was 9th grade when we babysat Jack? I remember bringing him to the park and playing with him in his room. I made promises I never kept–I didn’t make ice cream  with his sister and I didn’t teach him Chinese. I dislike that Jonathan Su erased my memory of ninth grade. I think that year I didn’t sleep much. I did debate, but I failed a lot despite my commitment. Still, I worked pretty hard–especially compared to how much I work now. I was proud of myself too (relatively). Sure, it felt bad to lose, but I still tried harder. I wonder if that had to do with my crush on Alex Bores (which, according to Michael Chan, Alex knew about). I guess debate failures weren’t that harsh because after the MDLs I’d go to church instead of hanging out with debate people. I went to church by myself and Su’s parents (then, later, Rosie) would drive me home because I wanted to go to Flushing instead of my parents’ church. It was cooler and better and I wanted to be independent. It’s weird how time changed me. Without debate, I’m a lazybutt. And even though I’m still at the other church (not NHP), it’s actually not that great anymore. I wonder if it’s my own fault that I’m not learning anything in church. I went to FBC because I learned stuff from fellowship and Greg’s sermons on Sunday (it’s funny how that worked out. It was because I did the Columbia thing with you on Saturdays and was forced to go to your Chinese school on Sunday that I was allowed to go to a different church in the first place) but now church is a joke for me. I only go because I have responsibilities and friends. But it’s not that enlightening anymore =\ But yes. I think I also started fencing in ninth grade because you did track. I was also weight-obsessed. Yet, I think I was happier then. My memories of ninth grade make me realize how full my schedule used to be. What a dumbass I must be to have stopped doing everything.

Part of me is thinking: I’m not going to get into college
And the other part of me is thinking: I’m not going to be happy with my life at the end of it because I’m such a quitter and loser and dumbbutt.

I remember this:

I think I’m done with my standardized testing.

I said I’d be totally honest with you, so here I go.
You don’t need to read the history of my Collegeboard experience…but yea.

I started thinking about SATs last year–I remember that when I did, I thought I was already too late. (Looking back now, I still kind of think so. I mean, today there was a middle school kid taking an SAT II in my room.) Even though we took Bio in 9th grade, I didn’t know to take the SAT II so I didn’t take it in June (well, considering I didn’t study for the Regents either, I probably wouldn’t have studied for the SAT II) and my mom signed up for me to take Bio classes but I didn’t go to most of the classes because I was on vacation. So when I took it in October, I only got 710. And that’s only because I was lucky and crammed some of the systems that were on the test. If you asked me about the digestive/circulatory/respiratory/reproductive systems now I’d be like o.0 (Really. Even after so many years of health I still don’t know the reproductive systems.)

I don’t think I thought about SATs a lot after that. I don’t know why I thought 10th grade was a breeze academic year (maybe when I write an entry about it I’ll remember) but I signed up to take the Chem SAT II because I saw that Yi was studying for it…and I ended up not taking the test because I wasn’t ready.

Last summer was CYI and SAT prep and John Liu. In theory, I’m still jealous that you had a job and Vivien had her lab work. But in reality…I was doing something and I had fun so I shouldn’t be jealous. But my mind thinks differently.

Beginning of this year, I took the SATII for Chinese. I don’t think many people know this, but that’s because I got a 790. Considering an 800 is the 56th percentile, I think that means I’m a certified idiot. I don’t like that my Chinese is getting so bad, but I do nothing about it.

It’s pretty dumb that I took SAT prep in the summer but didn’t take the SATs until March. Michael Ren (stuy guy) was the one who told me the March curve was easiest. MY BUTT. Three questions wrong and I got a 2310. Whatever. (Still, I like to think that if I took it in October I would’ve gotten at least a 2350 like Justin)

In May I took the Chemistry one and got  an 800 by God’s grace.

Today I took the Math SATII. I’m sick because I got sick from the heat (I know, it’s weird), and it got worse because we got wet at Carnival. So I went to bed really early last night and woke up at 4 because of the damn heat. Didn’t even study–just facebooked and lounged. Then, on the car ride over to Great Neck North I realized I sooooo wasn’t ready. It’s dumb, though, because I crammed a bunch of stuff about matrices and statistics and  they obviously weren’t on the test. I left two questions blank and I didn’t know a bunch of answers. I didn’t have enough time. I spent way too much time being annoyed at my incompetent proctor and rereading the questions a million times to make sure I knew what they were asking.
I fear not getting an 800 because I don’t want to restudy everything.

But yea. I’m done 🙂
I took the AP Chem this year but not the AP Lit/Lang just because I don’t really understand what APs are for. I’m going to have to take an English class in college anyway…so way waste the $80 and all those hours of studying to take a test?
I’m pretty sure my philosophy won’t change next year, so I don’t think I’m going to take any APs next year either.