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Random, but: I’m reading this philosophy book by Bertrand Russell and one idea in it is “Who am I? What is the self?” You can’t trust your senses because they can deceive you. You shouldn’t trust your memories or thoughts either, even if neuroscientists say that consciousness is the string/collection of personal memories, because we are forgetful, wrong, and dumb at times.

Putting the philosophy aside, I wanted to ask/say that as twinnies who tell each other everything and seem to often be in sync in our intuitions…can you be the holder/bearer of my memories when it’s too heavy, too sad, too crushing for me to bear them on my own? Adn I want to be the same for you: the knower of your high school days and younger self…so that you (and I) can grow out of our shells and past selves…that we can die to those past selves and live in Christ, or at least in hope.

Dear Christine,

I have a feeling that this post’s gonna sound random and all over the place, but bear with me? Probably very repetitive too.

I don’t really know where to start. I think I had some things in mind just earlier when I was helping mom cook dinner, but I have a horrible memory, as you know.

I’m lazy. Proof? I have a bunch of relatively important emails in my inbox that I haven’t replied to. One is from April I think. A few from about 2 weeks ago. I wonder if the people who sent them are still expecting a reply. 

Or maybe I shouldn’t use my laziness as an excuse for everything that I do (or in this case, don’t do). I’ve also promised a lot of people that we would hang out this summer, but I haven’t followed through in them.

I’ve turned down lots of offers to hang out with people from my fellowship too. Lazy? Perhaps. I think at this point, they’ve mostly given up trying to contact me. Which I completely understand. I’m not exactly reciprocating.

What is my point in mentioning all this? Let’s think.

I guess we can start with why I haven’t been on top of replying to emails or hanging out with people. I think I’ve told you pieces here and there before.

I don’t find anything exciting anymore. A lot of times, I question why I do the things I want to do. Like hang out with people. Sometimes, I find it tiring to carry on a conversation. Or maybe I’m just too lazy to get my butt out of the house.

Actually, scratch ALL of that. I think the main reason that I haven’t followed through with staying in contact with everyone from my fellowship is that I’m a coward. I really really don’t want to face my parents’ wrath and disdain for whenever I go outside for whatever reason. Mom and dad think that I’m at a stage where I’m rebelling (doesn’t that sound familiar? Did I tell you why my mom didn’t want me to be Christian?) and wasting money. They also think that i throw myself at Michael because they assume that every time I step foot outside the house, I’m meeting Michael. It doesn’t help that that’s mostly true, and it also doesn’t help that when I am out with Michael, I tend to lose track of time or any desire to come back home. 

Sorry for the tangent. I’ll come back to it at the end, I promise. 

So yeah, my parents think I’m wasting money. Interestingly though, whenever I’m out with Mike (which, like I said, is basically 99% of the time), I rarely spend any money. He takes care of it all, even my metrocard rides sometimes. 

To my parents, I waste money, which is relevant right now because my family’s in a relatively bad financial situation. And I mean, RELATIVELY. We have enough money to cover our monthly expenses, but I guess we’re kind of using up our savings. The other day, I found out that my parents had used all of my savings from high school to pay the mortgage and other stuff. I didn’t mind that the money was used, but it made me realize that maybe my family’s finally feeling the effects of the recession too.

So my wanting to go outside doesn’t really fare well with my parents. They also think I spend Sundays just chilling with Mike. That church is where I go to have fun with friends. My parents have a lot to say about me. Lots of insinuations about my moral character and my values that’ve made me cry a lot of times. It really really hurts being called a liar by your own parents every time something goes wrong.

I know that I’ve lied a lot growing up, but it was mainly because I was really afraid of my parents. I’ve told my mom that too, one of those rare nights when we had a heart to heart you could say. She wishes we weren’t all so afraid of each other in this house. I’m afraid of angering my parents and my mom’s afraid of being too controlling and thus incite hatred from me.

That’s prob why I have chosen to stay home a lot. Because I don’t want my parents to criticize me. I don’t want to ask them if I could go out. I want them to know that I care about this family too. So I help out with chores without being asked to (which sometimes backfires because my dad is very traditional (i.e sexist) so if I don’t do the chores one night for whatever reason, suddenly I become useless and not caring about this family, according to my dad) and I stay home so I can show them that I’m not all about hanging out with friends. 

Interestingly, that’s exactly what Lewis told me NOT to do in an email about what it meant to honor my parents. I’m still trying to decipher what he wrote, because I guess I was hoping he’d tell me exactly what to do, but of course, many things he says are in broad terms, or maybe they aren’t. Maybe my heart’s just refusing to listen.

On a seemingly random note, Mike and I have prayed out not worshiping each other, which is becoming more and more apparent through our inability to be away from each other, among other things. We’ve kind of shut ourselves off from the rest of the world, and most importantly, God. It scares me. So when you talk about transparency, yeah, I agree. But I really don’t know where to start.

When you said Christian Mike and Christian Sisi don’t seem much different from non-Christian Mike and non-Christian Sisi, I had to agree too.

I told Alan once that whenever Mike has his withdrawals, he stops caring for God and Jesus stops making any sense. I can only get him to talk to me again by appealing to his emotions, if that makes any sense.

Me, on the other hand, I wonder a lot if I’m actually Christian. I question myself a lot about whether I truly believe God exists. I have to, right? Because I always give thanks to him to whatever happens. It wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t, no? That’s probably flawed logic but still, God HAS to be real. Otherwise, nothing that has happened since I came to Cornell makes any sense at all.

I really don’t act like a Christian either, though I’m still wondering what that even means? What does it mean to act like a Christian? Do I always pray before meals? Do I always read my Bible? Do I always try to evangelize? Do I fund mission trips? Not care about money? Am always happy? Are those marks of a Christian? 

How much does my upbringing affect me and my relationship with God? So theoretically, I’m supposed to be new person? God should have given me a new heart, right? But am I still supposed to be me? And if I’m me, how am I supposed to shy away from my upbringing? For instance, I’ve never been comfortable just talking to people about myself because that’s just not how things are done. How am I supposed to approach Lewis? or anyone who cares, for that matter? I can share my testimony, sure. But now, I need to pour my guts out. First of all, my pride won’t allow it. Second of all, I’ve just never done such a thing before. Definitely not to an adult. 

If this post makes no sense, I apologize ><

I have to write those emails. I just got a new one, and I realized how selfish I’ve been by not responding.

you’re not online and ur not replying to my texts, so im assuming your sleeping? 😀

senior years been pretty crappy for me, as you may know. calc and physics are killing me ever so slowly…and today’s calc test…lets just say i’ll be happy with an 80 ><

i love those texts you sent me ❤ ur such a creeper but ur so good at it lol i love how you just start a convo with kevin liu on the bus about colleges. why is it so easy for you to talk to people?? xD i just checked the UPenn website and i’ll find out whether i get into my dream college on Friday, December 10th at 3pm. A lot of people keep telling me that I got it in the bag, but um…not really. i am so worried that if i dont get into upenn early, i’m not going to get into any good college. my grades this year are sucking soooo bad that no colleges ever gonna want me ><

my moms coming back from china tomorrow afternoon. that means no more late night convos or homework cramming or chill sessions after schools with you peeps 😦 but on the other hand, without my mom constantly looking over my shoulders, i’ve slacked off…what am i to do in college? i cant stuff my mom in a suitcase and bring her with me >D not that i would want to…

he sang to me today on his guitar, except he forgot half the words cause he was trying to sing pop songs and we were sitting in the middle of columbus park, which is full of shady ass people at night, and we didnt want to attract any muggers xD

im not gonna see him in a while cause i need to get home now after work now that my moms back, which i guess is all for the best. i really need to prioritize and pull my grades up…SIGH WHY ME GODDAMN. all i want are some measly A minuses…IS THAT SO HARD?? xD okay, i’ll stop now

TAKE ME TO THAT CRAZY DRINK PLACE U KEEP TELLING ME ABOUT.

so much crap. i cant decide whether to retake my SAT or my math SAT II, which is a lost cause right now. I haven’t studied at all for it and i’m only gonna do worse or something.

and my dad and mom just had a fight over thier families again. my moms saying my dad’s sister is cheap and my dad’s pissed that my mom only cares about her own siblings. i actually have to side with my dad on this >.< my mom’s sides always having problems and need money and my parents would always send them stuff but when they send my dad’s sister money, she would always keep a tab. but the only time they’ve really sent her money was for her wedding…

i love my dad’s relatives cause they raised me so i guess im a little biased but dude, sometimes i wish that mom and dad would just divorce if their marriage really causes them that much pain. im 18, i think i can handle it. i’m fed up really with all this drama… but my little brother, who the fucks gonna take care of him? god i cant wait to go to college. but with me gone, who the hells gonna hold them two together? its only a matter of time…

Now that work’s ended, I feel that summer’s come to an end lol

So on thursday, we had an end of year party with all the other workers and i just didnt want it to end :3 we played a “guess the song title and artist” game and an impromptu karaoke session. my TA, who was this kid with a mohawk from tech, tried to stick my phone’s memory card into his so that he could get one of our kids’ photo, and instead, killed my card and i lost all my music + photos -___-  i fixed it at home later though so haha dont know why im telling you this in the first place. but man, he kept flirting with me and even tried to get me into the bathroom to see his “six packs” O.O I DONT EVEN KNOW HIM THAT WELL…no worries, the maintenance guys pulled a prank on us that stopped him from actually taking me to the bathroom…which would have been mucho awkard…

Paul brought in a bottle of wine and we staff had a mini after party in our office. the wine tasted disgusting though haha, maybe cause the cork fell in after one of us tried to take it out by poking it with a pair of scissors. FAIIL we added spirite and it tasted a little better but still mad funky. paul was the only one who finished his cup xD

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL WAS CRAZY haha the maintenance pulled crazy pranks on us all day.

two of them walked into our room and poured milk on the floor and left a mop next to the table. they then threw a box on the floor that said “REVENGE. THE MILKMAN ALWAYS DELIVERS.” we were all like, “PAUL TSE, WHAT THE HELL DID U DO TO THEM??” xD

as revenge, we ran down to their room when they were upstairs handing out lunch and tried to duct tape their door. we tied a scary looking doll to the ceiling and the whole time we were laughing hysterically we couldnt do anything properly xD

but lo and behold, we forgot to unlock the door -____-” and so the maintenance walked in thru the other door in the back, which let them see our doll and duct tape from across the room. MAN, WE’RE RETARDED xD

so then, they tried to get back at us. we were all downstairs for “movie day” and we locked our office door in case they decided to do anything to our stuff but DANG IT, they somehow got into our room and BABY OILED ALL OUR LEATHER CHAIRS, then DUCT TAPED our bags to a chair leg and left with our scissors. we came back and were like, HOLY FRIGGING COW. HOW THE HELL DID THEY GET IN HERE?!?!

man, we gotta love them.

ooo, i learned to play mahjong!!! xDDDD 

can we please do something together?????? every time i call, ur sleeping T.T

LIP VIRGIN?

OMG. FOR REALS?!?!?!

yeah, me too… ahahahaha. Let’s keep that reserved for important people in the future.

And correction to the post underneath this one: I bought a skirt from Strawberry today ’cause I didn’t get the dress yesterday (this is probably not going to be important for anything but I just want to remember in case one day I wake up and go, “hey, did I buy a dress?”)

I still ❤ how u got the guts to face strangers but not seniors who u’ve spend forever with xD

Finally started teaching today and it was…amusing.

Nothing shows you how much you DIDN’T know than to have to teach first graders how to add and subtract by carrying and borrowing. I was like, “so u see this 4 here? It’s not actually just 4…its 40!” and the kids just nod along but have no idea what the freak i’m talking about. i know cause they do the next problems wrong… T.T FAIIIIIL MY LIFE

i hope they at least can do the homework…. and that i havent scared their mathematical foundations forever….lol

For the orientation for the patrolmen today, we let them play that game that we did in SLI last summer when everyone sat in a circle except one person and that person would say something about him or herself and people who had that in common would run to find another seat. it was like haha until some 18 year old goes “i like to walk around my house naked.” It was like a dot dot dot moment followed by uncontrollable laughter lol

tomorrow i get to go dress/skirt shopping so yeah ^^ not that im going to get any of it but whatevs… just fun to be out and about

WE NEED TO WATCH DESPICABLE ME SO GET UR ASS BACK TO THE USA AS SOON AS U CAN!!!!

 so me and my coworker went to Quickly’s today and the guys there thought we didn’t speak chinese so it went down like this…

me: [ordered some chicken]

some time passes and i decide to make the chicken at least a little bit spicy…

coworker: hey, can we make that chicken midly spicy?

then we waited for the chicken…

Guy worker #1: chicken’s ready!

Guy worker #2:  oh! give me! (i thought he was another customer who ordered chicken before us… -__-)

then he hands my coworker the chicken with a smile… (CREEEP!!!)

Guy worker #1: oh, zhe you shi ni de cai? (literally translates to “that’s also your dish?”… a.k.a. you dig that chick too?)

i stifle my laughter and my coworker walks out oblivious cause she speaks canto. she LAWLED so hard after i told what happened.

ah…the good life

ew…colleges keep sending me letters about campus visits and im like, SCREW U ALL I’M NOT FLYING ALL THE WAY TO SYRACUSE OR SOUTH CAROLINA FOR A GODDAMN VISIT ….

we should hit up Boston together to look at colleges when u get back. deal? DEAL. SWEEETNESSSS

u know what else is sweet? the tall one. ima let u guess who im talking about. we fought with clipboards today…i think the plastic one broke ahahaha

I promise to post more often that I have done so far. The posts are important to me too cause I get to know you more and cause it’s a way for me to tell you more about my most insecure thoughts ❤

I’m reading and re-reading every post ^___^

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 see? no need to worry about grade right?

I don’t know. The thing about Cornea… like i feel so used sometimes because after our whole ush thing, she only talked to me when she needed pictures for carnival….like DUDE. we don’t say a word now to each other during ush probably cause it brings back bad memories. and like she’s closer with like emma and tess and judy now from like outside school stuff and just bonding over starbucks. i dont even sit next to her anymore cause everything just seems so forced you know? like, why bother trying to mend it if it wasn’t even all that worthwhile in the first place? no thats a lie. our friendship WAS fun and worth preserving but at the same time, with all these things happening like the SATs and college and the summer and like me feeling too passive to do anything, like why bother? thats just my mentality now anyways… i hope i dont regret saying any of this in the future

i mean, when we talk in a group, she doesnt even look at me and when we’re alone, she either gets up and leaves to talk to someone else or just reads or keeps herself busy. i dont know. maybe im just wrong and dont see her side of the story but it takes two people to mend a relationship and it seems like right now, im riding solo.

i guess whe i saw u today with her, i got a little jealous, i’ll admit it. i know, im stupid. but i was just afraid that u had more fun with her and told her stuff that i didnt know. i know, it’s selfish of me to keep u all to myself 😉 so it’s cool, i’ve accepted it and moved on lol

and the whole vivien thing, are u even going into the med field or chem/bio field in the future? im assuming the answer is no, and so…why bother feeling bad about something that won’t even matter in a couple more years? 🙂

I can’t believe u’ve already got up 7 posts. damn woman. ur too efficient for ur own good.

unlike you, for the past 2 hours, I’ve been on youtube and allkpop watching korean variety shows and female body builders (that was only one video and it was on the suggested list and looked funny xD but nevertheless, what the heck do they want to look like THAT?! anywho, i shall now judge)

Ur chem presentation will be fine 🙂 ur gonna rock their socks off, just saying. besides, i dont think ur teacher is that hard of a grader from what i heard about her being nice and stuff

“I guess I just thank God I have a sister in Sisi.”

woman we’re too peas in a pod. two musketeers ’cause the other one’s melted. two homies from the same hood.

YES I JUST HAD WATERMELON FOR LIKE THE FIRST TIME IN A YEARRRR

winter concert tomorrow so get psyched!!!! its gonna be another girl’s night out…kinda lol but still, almost 2 hours to chill before showtime ❤ FOOD ANYONE? (yes, anyone’s referring to you, christine)

i need to study for math…and rewrite english…and prepare june project presentation…BUT WE’RE GOING SHOPPPING WEDNESDAY AND HITTIN THE BEACH ON THURSDAY AND IF I’M NOT BAILING THEN U BETTER NOT EITHER OR I SWEAR TO GOD CHRISTINE, I’LL JEOPARDIZE UR FUTURE LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW (yes, i know that sentence is redundant) ;P

p.s. i realize im gonna be blogging as though talking to you over email or aim so bare with me :3